Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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