do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Randomize
