I haven't been this sober since birth.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
