Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
