I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
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my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
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