i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
My liver just had a heart attack.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
