How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I need water and some morals
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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