I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
