I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
this beer tastes like vomit already
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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