my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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