Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
