I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
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