it hurts more in the daytime
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
