You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
