I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
