literally had 100 drinks last night.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
