you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
You need a sexual gate keeper
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
