We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
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i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
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How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
3 2 1 whiskey
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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