herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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