you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
