Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
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dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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