I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
