I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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