I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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