Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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