Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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