That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
