Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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