I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Randomize
