I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
