Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
