this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
