just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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