I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
