I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Randomize
