I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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