so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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