Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize
