took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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