If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
