Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
