who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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