your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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