wanna go halves on a baby?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Randomize
