Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
