I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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