We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
