Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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