did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
So vagazzling was a success
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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