I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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