You smell like stripper and shame
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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