I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
