I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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