I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
