you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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