I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
